first christmas

THIS is the first year i'm not depressed at christmas. it's the first year i haven't listened to sarah mclachlan's "wintersong" so i start crying my eyes out. this is the first year i don't miss my mom. you see, i have recently become a mom myself and all of a sudden life as i knew it, changed.

A new chapter in this very old book has started. it will be my first christmas as a mommy, my husband's first christmas as a daddy. this was the first year we sent a holiday card that donned multiple pictures of our son. for the first time, presents i have wrapped have been signed by santa. yesterday, for the first time, i assembled a toy for my eleven month old nephew. this is his first christmas too. this morning i took charlie out of his crib and called myself the "christmas eve morning bugler" as my mother used to do with my brother and i. it's a character in what was one of our favorite christmas stories. (even when we got too old for it, she still used the term as i plan on doing for the next twenty years with charlie.) tonight my father-in-law will dress up as santa for his first time and hand out gifts at our christmas eve gathering. my son is too young to know and understand santa, but it will still be his first santa experience. tonight, although it won't matter, we'll put out a plate of cookies and a glass of milk for santa to enjoy.

TOMORROW will be the first time we wake up as a family on christmas morning. charlie will be wearing pajamas that say "baby's first christmas". cheesy, i know, but i've gotta do it. it will be the first time our son opens gifts, the first time i signed packages "love mommy and daddy". it's the first time there will be toys under our tree.

WE will host christmas dinner tomorrow and for the first time there will be infants at the table. my nephew in a high chair, my son on my lap. it will be the first year where i most likely won't get to sit down and eat a full meal as i will be concerned about keeping charlie happy. i remember as a child thinking my mother never seemed to sit down and eat, she was always taking care of everyone else. i guess that will be me this year, for the first time.

OF course i miss my mom. i don't want the opening statement to sound as if i have forgotten her. it's the first time i miss her in a different way. i wish she was here, experiencing all of these firsts with me. it would have been her first christmas as a grandma, and she would have loved it. however, for the first time i really feel she is here with us. for the first time at christmas, i feel at peace...