THIS is the first year i'm not depressed at christmas. it's the first year i haven't listened to sarah mclachlan's "wintersong" so i start crying my eyes out. this is the first year i don't miss my mom. you see, i have recently become a mom myself and all of a sudden life as i knew it, changed.
A new chapter in this very old book has started. it will be my first christmas as a mommy, my husband's first christmas as a daddy. this was the first year we sent a holiday card that donned multiple pictures of our son. for the first time, presents i have wrapped have been signed by santa. yesterday, for the first time, i assembled a toy for my eleven month old nephew. this is his first christmas too. this morning i took charlie out of his crib and called myself the "christmas eve morning bugler" as my mother used to do with my brother and i. it's a character in what was one of our favorite christmas stories. (even when we got too old for it, she still used the term as i plan on doing for the next twenty years with charlie.) tonight my father-in-law will dress up as santa for his first time and hand out gifts at our christmas eve gathering. my son is too young to know and understand santa, but it will still be his first santa experience. tonight, although it won't matter, we'll put out a plate of cookies and a glass of milk for santa to enjoy.
TOMORROW will be the first time we wake up as a family on christmas morning. charlie will be wearing pajamas that say "baby's first christmas". cheesy, i know, but i've gotta do it. it will be the first time our son opens gifts, the first time i signed packages "love mommy and daddy". it's the first time there will be toys under our tree.
WE will host christmas dinner tomorrow and for the first time there will be infants at the table. my nephew in a high chair, my son on my lap. it will be the first year where i most likely won't get to sit down and eat a full meal as i will be concerned about keeping charlie happy. i remember as a child thinking my mother never seemed to sit down and eat, she was always taking care of everyone else. i guess that will be me this year, for the first time.
OF course i miss my mom. i don't want the opening statement to sound as if i have forgotten her. it's the first time i miss her in a different way. i wish she was here, experiencing all of these firsts with me. it would have been her first christmas as a grandma, and she would have loved it. however, for the first time i really feel she is here with us. for the first time at christmas, i feel at peace...
Friday, December 24, 2010
Friday, December 17, 2010
christmas blues
january third is my scheduled day to return to work. i'll hop on metro north and make that oh too familiar trek into manhattan, but this time as a working mom. i'm dreading it. the thought of it makes me nauseous and instantly brings tears to my eyes. four months ago when asked if i would be returning to work my response was, "of course. why wouldn't i?" now, fifteen weeks later the answer to that question has changed.
christmas is a week away and I can't even participate in my christmas countdown. it is only a reminder that nine days after christmas i will no longer be the sole caretaker of my son. normally i can't wait for christmas to get here, and you would think this year would be the same, having a baby to enjoy for the holidays. but it's not. all I can think of is, nine more days.
the thing is, i have a good job. i'm a born and raised small town mid-western girl who now works on the upper east side of manhattan. i work in a prestigious building. i have a manager position. my boss adores me and will pretty much allow me to run the gamut. my clientele are wealthy, i meet celebrities. most people would jump to get this job. but those people aren't mothers.
my life has taken a whole new perspective since becoming a mom. the first time i went into the city since having a baby i thought it would make me realize i missed it, but no. manhattan annoys me. the mass amount of people strolling and pushing their way through the sidewalks annoys me. the line you have to wait in, only to purchase a bag of chips annoys me. the traffic in the middle of the day annoys me. and please don't get me started on the horns honking. i love my little suburban life. the bank teller, the butcher at the grocery store and the guy at the bagel shop all know me and my son's names. they will peer into his stroller and say things like, "what's charlie wearing today?" there isn't any traffic, well maybe a bit at five pm at the town's traffic light. and when someone honks, it's usually a friendly honk waving hello.
i have spent my last couple of weeks figuring out a way to stay at home, but still make some money to help with the bills. i even spoke to my boss about working part time. no such luck. my husband recently told me that even part time work isn't going to cut it for our finances. and now i'm angry. i'm angry at my husband for making me go back to work. i'm angry at him for not making enough money to allow me to stay at home. i have a hard time talking to him about anything because i'm scared i'm going to make a comment about not being successful enough, so i keep my mouth shut. we don't talk. it's tense in our household. i cry myself to sleep every night thinking about leaving my son. my husband puts his arms around me and tries to reassure me, but it doesn't work. he doesn't understand.
in approximately two weeks i'll be leaving my son every day and in someone else's hands. the woman we hire could be freaking super nanny and she won't be good enough for my son. how do i know she'll pick him up when he's crying? if he cries too much will she be annoyed with him and ignore him? will she make the same silly noises i do when i read to him "doggies" or "hippos go berserk"? will she even read to him at all? will she be the first one to see him crawl or walk?
do you want to know my biggest fear? i'm scared he won't recognize me when i walk in the door at night. that when he cries i won't be the one who is able to soothe him. that he'll be angry with me for leaving him on a daily basis. i recently told my husband that i don't want to have anymore kids because if you can't raise them on your own, why continue to have them? i think it's unfair to bring a child into this world, call yourself his mom, and then hire someone else to take care of him. isn't that what his mom is supposed to do?
the blues, i have indeed, christmas time or not. is there anything that will cheer me up? no present, no christmas carol or christmas cookie is putting a smile on this face. the only thing is the sight of my son...any maybe someone telling me i won the lottery.
christmas is a week away and I can't even participate in my christmas countdown. it is only a reminder that nine days after christmas i will no longer be the sole caretaker of my son. normally i can't wait for christmas to get here, and you would think this year would be the same, having a baby to enjoy for the holidays. but it's not. all I can think of is, nine more days.
the thing is, i have a good job. i'm a born and raised small town mid-western girl who now works on the upper east side of manhattan. i work in a prestigious building. i have a manager position. my boss adores me and will pretty much allow me to run the gamut. my clientele are wealthy, i meet celebrities. most people would jump to get this job. but those people aren't mothers.
my life has taken a whole new perspective since becoming a mom. the first time i went into the city since having a baby i thought it would make me realize i missed it, but no. manhattan annoys me. the mass amount of people strolling and pushing their way through the sidewalks annoys me. the line you have to wait in, only to purchase a bag of chips annoys me. the traffic in the middle of the day annoys me. and please don't get me started on the horns honking. i love my little suburban life. the bank teller, the butcher at the grocery store and the guy at the bagel shop all know me and my son's names. they will peer into his stroller and say things like, "what's charlie wearing today?" there isn't any traffic, well maybe a bit at five pm at the town's traffic light. and when someone honks, it's usually a friendly honk waving hello.
i have spent my last couple of weeks figuring out a way to stay at home, but still make some money to help with the bills. i even spoke to my boss about working part time. no such luck. my husband recently told me that even part time work isn't going to cut it for our finances. and now i'm angry. i'm angry at my husband for making me go back to work. i'm angry at him for not making enough money to allow me to stay at home. i have a hard time talking to him about anything because i'm scared i'm going to make a comment about not being successful enough, so i keep my mouth shut. we don't talk. it's tense in our household. i cry myself to sleep every night thinking about leaving my son. my husband puts his arms around me and tries to reassure me, but it doesn't work. he doesn't understand.
in approximately two weeks i'll be leaving my son every day and in someone else's hands. the woman we hire could be freaking super nanny and she won't be good enough for my son. how do i know she'll pick him up when he's crying? if he cries too much will she be annoyed with him and ignore him? will she make the same silly noises i do when i read to him "doggies" or "hippos go berserk"? will she even read to him at all? will she be the first one to see him crawl or walk?
do you want to know my biggest fear? i'm scared he won't recognize me when i walk in the door at night. that when he cries i won't be the one who is able to soothe him. that he'll be angry with me for leaving him on a daily basis. i recently told my husband that i don't want to have anymore kids because if you can't raise them on your own, why continue to have them? i think it's unfair to bring a child into this world, call yourself his mom, and then hire someone else to take care of him. isn't that what his mom is supposed to do?
the blues, i have indeed, christmas time or not. is there anything that will cheer me up? no present, no christmas carol or christmas cookie is putting a smile on this face. the only thing is the sight of my son...any maybe someone telling me i won the lottery.
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