2012

i hate new year's. not so much the actual turning of the calendar, but the celebration of it. it makes me crazy when people start asking months in advance, "what are you doing for new year's?" i used to be one of those people, i had great hopes for a fabulous and fun new year's eve. each year, my anticipation of the holiday became less and less. in fact, this is the first year in a long time where i was in bed before midnight. my husband recorded dick clark's rockin' new year's eve and we watched the countdown the next morning at 9:59, and kissed at the stroke of 10 (a.m. that is)!

i can't stand hearing about every one's new year's resolutions either. wait, check that, i can't stand hearing resolutions that are boring. i mean if i hear one more person say they are going to "lose weight or get in shape", i'm gonna puke. and isn't it always the same person who makes "losing weight" their resolution every year? so how did that work out for ya the past, oh i don't know, 10 years?

i like hearing resolutions that mean something. i recently heard one and i'm going to make it one of my resolutions. cleanse. not a body cleanse, a life cleanse. i'm cleansing anything toxic out of my life. people (family and friends), work stuff, etc. i don't need the toxicity, so i'm cleansing it away. i'm also going to work on being present when i'm with people. it's something i know i haven't been doing and so obvious when people aren't being present with me. it's easy to be involved in a conversation or anything yet not really be involved. i experience it all the time, i'm having a conversation with someone and they pick up their phone to check their texts, or check twitter, or see if they god forbid missed someone's status on facebook. it makes me feel like shit, like i'm wasting their time with my story. and maybe they don't care about my story, but it's still hurtful when it's that apparent. so i'm following the ol' adage of 'treat others how you wish to be treated'. i'm going to be present in all i do. time is too precious to be wasted and distractions are just that, distracting me from the things that really matter.

2012 is going to be a great year. as much as i loathe celebrating the "new year", i was still excited to turn that calendar and see january 1, 2012. there are so many great things on the horizon for me and my family and i can't wait to see them come to fruition. it's up to me to make them happen and i'm going to do just that. i guess that's my last resolution, make things happen. and i will. 2012 you're going to be fun.

to my husband

i've neglected writing lately. i've neglected a lot of things lately. my home, my friends, my body, my husband...i could sit here and write about what a shitty wife i think i am, but that's boring. instead, i'm going to try to write a fitting tribute to my husband on his 33rd birthday.

i have known my husband for 7 years. in fact we started dating right before his 26th birthday. i remember meeting him for breakfast the weekend of his birthday. we met in some random diner in a random NJ city, but i can still remember him ordering banana pancakes and sausage. (banana pancakes and sausage is still one of our favorite sunday morning breakfasts.) we kissed in the parking lot when we left. it was the first time we kissed. magical, you could say. and i haven't looked back since.

my husband is a "good guy". truly a "good guy". he would do anything for anyone, and i've seen it first hand. he has the biggest heart of anyone i know. he's forgiving. he's respectful. he's fun, he's funny. he's laid-back, yet energetic. he's hard-working, he's goal oriented, he's driven. he's sweet. he's the best father i've ever seen. he still makes me see stars when we kiss. he's the love of my life.

i recently came across this passage from a friend of mine's blog. i wish i could write like her. i don't like using the words of someone else to describe the way i feel, but honestly, i couldn't have said it any better. and she told us women to use her words when we find it hard to say what we feel. so, kurt, this is for you. happy birthday, my love.

"You deserve a day void of criticism and blame, a day when words of affection are attached to your name.

You deserve a day free of reminders of what you lack, a day with the weight of the world lifted off your back.

You deserve a day where inner confidence never hides, a day free from the pain of past sports and piggy back rides.

You deserve a day to be placed first instead of last, a day to be embraced instead of quickly brushed past.

You deserve a day when you're not racing against time, a day when total relaxation isn't considered a crime.

You deserve a day when it's perfectly acceptable to cry, a day to fondly reminisce the glory days gone by.

You deserve a day when someone else mans the barbeque, a day without the words, "Honey would you do...?"

You deserve a day when past mistakes are taken with the wind, a day when the cuts on your heart have a chance to mend?

You deserve a day when you don't live by numbers or lists, a day when diets and high blood pressure cease to exist.

You deserve a day when you don't have to be strong, a day when someone else is the first to admit she's wrong.

You deserve a day free from all your worries and fears, a day when stress doesn't take away from your best years.

You belong in a tiki hut with scented oil on your back, you belong in a racecar going 220 on an open track.

You belong on a lazy raft with a cold beer in hand, you belong with a parachute and a soft place to land.

You belong in a convertible against a painted sky, you belong near a warm campfire as the savory fish fry.

You belong in a place full of forgiveness and grace, you belong with tender kisses on your face.
You belong with the freedom to be who you are, you belong in the presence of a shooting star.
You to deserve a day to be embraced without release, a day of unconditional love that will never cease."
-Rachel Macy Stafford
Author of www.handsfreemama.com

what i've learned

TODAY is my son's six month birthday. i can't believe it's been six months already. last night, while nursing him, i tried to recall the past six months and realized i have learned so much. this is what i've learned, in no particular order...

I'VE learned my body needs very little sleep. i've learned it's impossible to keep a clean house. i've learned it's impossible to keep up with the overflowing laundry basket. i've learned people are generous when it comes to baby gifts. i've learned my selfish days are over. i've learned to be okay with the fact my son is a spitting image of his father. i've learned how to be patient. i've learned i can't let my baby cry. i've learned i cry when he cries. i've learned nursing my baby is now one of my favorite times of the day when it used to be dreaded. i've learned nursing him for three months has now turned into six months. i've learned my baby loves music. i've learned what songs cheer him up and what songs put him to sleep. i've learned i'm not embarrassed to sing him a lullaby. i've learned my son is not a sleeper. i've learned how to get so much done in thirty minutes. i've learned when my baby's bottom lip puckers out he's scared and is going to cry. i've learned when he starts spitting out his food it means he is done eating. i've learned our dog is going to be my baby's best friend as long as our dog lives. i've learned our dog is going to be in trouble when my baby starts crawling. i've learned his grandparents have disappointed me. i've learned i miss my mom more than ever. i've learned i was right when i said over six years ago that my now husband would be a great father. i've learned to fall in love with my husband all over again now that he's a dad. i've learned time will never again move slowly. i've learned i am constantly wishing time would stand still every time i hold my son. i learned the instant he was born there is such a thing as love at first sight.

first christmas

THIS is the first year i'm not depressed at christmas. it's the first year i haven't listened to sarah mclachlan's "wintersong" so i start crying my eyes out. this is the first year i don't miss my mom. you see, i have recently become a mom myself and all of a sudden life as i knew it, changed.

A new chapter in this very old book has started. it will be my first christmas as a mommy, my husband's first christmas as a daddy. this was the first year we sent a holiday card that donned multiple pictures of our son. for the first time, presents i have wrapped have been signed by santa. yesterday, for the first time, i assembled a toy for my eleven month old nephew. this is his first christmas too. this morning i took charlie out of his crib and called myself the "christmas eve morning bugler" as my mother used to do with my brother and i. it's a character in what was one of our favorite christmas stories. (even when we got too old for it, she still used the term as i plan on doing for the next twenty years with charlie.) tonight my father-in-law will dress up as santa for his first time and hand out gifts at our christmas eve gathering. my son is too young to know and understand santa, but it will still be his first santa experience. tonight, although it won't matter, we'll put out a plate of cookies and a glass of milk for santa to enjoy.

TOMORROW will be the first time we wake up as a family on christmas morning. charlie will be wearing pajamas that say "baby's first christmas". cheesy, i know, but i've gotta do it. it will be the first time our son opens gifts, the first time i signed packages "love mommy and daddy". it's the first time there will be toys under our tree.

WE will host christmas dinner tomorrow and for the first time there will be infants at the table. my nephew in a high chair, my son on my lap. it will be the first year where i most likely won't get to sit down and eat a full meal as i will be concerned about keeping charlie happy. i remember as a child thinking my mother never seemed to sit down and eat, she was always taking care of everyone else. i guess that will be me this year, for the first time.

OF course i miss my mom. i don't want the opening statement to sound as if i have forgotten her. it's the first time i miss her in a different way. i wish she was here, experiencing all of these firsts with me. it would have been her first christmas as a grandma, and she would have loved it. however, for the first time i really feel she is here with us. for the first time at christmas, i feel at peace...

christmas blues

january third is my scheduled day to return to work. i'll hop on metro north and make that oh too familiar trek into manhattan, but this time as a working mom. i'm dreading it. the thought of it makes me nauseous and instantly brings tears to my eyes. four months ago when asked if i would be returning to work my response was, "of course. why wouldn't i?" now, fifteen weeks later the answer to that question has changed.

christmas is a week away and I can't even participate in my christmas countdown. it is only a reminder that nine days after christmas i will no longer be the sole caretaker of my son. normally i can't wait for christmas to get here, and you would think this year would be the same, having a baby to enjoy for the holidays. but it's not. all I can think of is, nine more days.

the thing is, i have a good job. i'm a born and raised small town mid-western girl who now works on the upper east side of manhattan. i work in a prestigious building. i have a manager position. my boss adores me and will pretty much allow me to run the gamut. my clientele are wealthy, i meet celebrities. most people would jump to get this job. but those people aren't mothers.

my life has taken a whole new perspective since becoming a mom. the first time i went into the city since having a baby i thought it would make me realize i missed it, but no. manhattan annoys me. the mass amount of people strolling and pushing their way through the sidewalks annoys me. the line you have to wait in, only to purchase a bag of chips annoys me. the traffic in the middle of the day annoys me. and please don't get me started on the horns honking. i love my little suburban life. the bank teller, the butcher at the grocery store and the guy at the bagel shop all know me and my son's names. they will peer into his stroller and say things like, "what's charlie wearing today?" there isn't any traffic, well maybe a bit at five pm at the town's traffic light. and when someone honks, it's usually a friendly honk waving hello.

i have spent my last couple of weeks figuring out a way to stay at home, but still make some money to help with the bills. i even spoke to my boss about working part time. no such luck. my husband recently told me that even part time work isn't going to cut it for our finances. and now i'm angry. i'm angry at my husband for making me go back to work. i'm angry at him for not making enough money to allow me to stay at home. i have a hard time talking to him about anything because i'm scared i'm going to make a comment about not being successful enough, so i keep my mouth shut. we don't talk. it's tense in our household. i cry myself to sleep every night thinking about leaving my son. my husband puts his arms around me and tries to reassure me, but it doesn't work. he doesn't understand.

in approximately two weeks i'll be leaving my son every day and in someone else's hands. the woman we hire could be freaking super nanny and she won't be good enough for my son. how do i know she'll pick him up when he's crying? if he cries too much will she be annoyed with him and ignore him? will she make the same silly noises i do when i read to him "doggies" or "hippos go berserk"? will she even read to him at all? will she be the first one to see him crawl or walk?

do you want to know my biggest fear? i'm scared he won't recognize me when i walk in the door at night. that when he cries i won't be the one who is able to soothe him. that he'll be angry with me for leaving him on a daily basis. i recently told my husband that i don't want to have anymore kids because if you can't raise them on your own, why continue to have them? i think it's unfair to bring a child into this world, call yourself his mom, and then hire someone else to take care of him. isn't that what his mom is supposed to do?

the blues, i have indeed, christmas time or not. is there anything that will cheer me up? no present, no christmas carol or christmas cookie is putting a smile on this face. the only thing is the sight of my son...any maybe someone telling me i won the lottery.